When you’re a tech nerd working or living with the not so tech savvy, there are a few things they tend to do that make you bite your tongue, and resist the urgh to take over what they’re doing and get it done yourself. They may be trivial, but they are all oh so wrong.

1: Microsoft Word is the application for everything.

Some people have been using the basics of MS Word since Windows 3.1, and have never wanted or needed to learn to use anything else, but they seem to think that Word is for full desktop publishing, database management and photo printing. They may even have the full suite of Office with Publisher and Access, but no matter what the task, Word will do it. Taking the long route seems to be the way to go, for example in order to print a picture, launch a new Word document, insert a text box, then insert the photo, you can then move the picture around and resize it to whatever size you like, which brings us to the next itch.

2: Incorrect Aspect Ratios.

Whether it’s on a new Widescreen TV, resizing photos in Word (of course), or using soome spyware riddled DVD ripper to rip a movie, some people just seem to have no concept of aspect ratio, they don’t seem to mind if Captain Jack Sparrow looks George Costanza with a pirate hat. The amount of bars and pubs that have gone all out to buy their plasma/lcd TVs to hang on the wall, only to run the footy in standard analog stretch to fit nastiness astounds me. Try as you might to explain 16:9 and 4:3 views, the problem continues.

3: Everything Must Be Double Clicked.

It’s quite hard to explain to a not-so computer literate person the difference between icons, buttons and links. They sit there happily browsing the internet double clicking on all the links like they’ve had too much coffee, it’s a habit that cannot be broken, you can tell them as many times as you like that you needn’t click like crazy to view that video on Youtube, but they will continue with their clicky ways.

4: Getting a faster computer will speed up the internets.

Off to the closest Harvey Norman to pick up the top of the line HP Desktop with all the trimmings, they hand over all their cash, take it home and get there 13 year old son to plug it in. Then you get the phone call or chance meeting where they question you on why the internet is still slow as buggery, even with this fancy new computer. “What type of connection do you have” you ask them, so naturally they tell you their ISP (Usually Bigpond, or AOL for the US readers), you slowly explain what you mean by your initial question, and 15 minutes later come to the conclusion that they have dial-up. You try and hold it back, but you can’t, you just cry.

5: I won a trip to the Bahamas!

No, no you didn’t

6: Your desktop wallpaper is NOT your screensaver.

I’m not quite sure how word got around that a desktop wallpaper is the same thing as a screensaver, but so many people seem to get the two mixed up. They can be talking about the background on their phone, or the background on their computer, they keep calling it a screensaver, why? I don’t know how this spread around the non-tech savvy world but it needs to stop, before my eyes start twitching and my head explodes.

7: NO, I DON’T want to fix your cousin’s brother’s uncle’s 10 year old computer.

This one is talked about a lot, hell there’s even t-shirts about it, but it needs to be said. If you’re a tech-savvy person, especially if it’s what you do as a job, people seem to think that you enjoy, and are happy to fix their computer. It’s true, yes we do enjoy a little bit of tinkering every now and then, but it’s a hell of a lot more fun when it’s your own machine, for a start the only person you can piss off is yourself if you manage to screw up, and on top of that, it’s YOUR computer so YOU get the benefits of the upgrade/maintenance. old computers are a bitch, working with old technology (unless it’s 1980s retro) is a bitch, and we don’t like doing it for free. I have no problem doing it for immediate family, and very close friends, but I do not want to get a tech support call from a work colleague’s boyfriend at 8:30 on a Saturday morning (that actually happened to me I might add).

8: The Non-Tech Savvy Geek

There are breeds of human out there who are convinced they are super tech gurus, they’ve sussed out Microsoft Office, and they can program a VCR with their eyes closed, and to top it off, they can talk for hours about stuff they know nothing about, using words they don’t understand. These guys are annoying as hell, and they are dangerous too. If you work with one, they can mess up a whole morning’s work at the blink of an eye. And even more annoying, they always give the other non-tech savvy people false hope, by telling them something is possible when it’s absolutely not, then you cop the bad wrap because you can’t do what they were told was possible. “No I can’t configure your phone to charge via bluetooth”

9: Why can’t I open this file on my floppy disk?

This one isn’t super common but it’s definitely happened to me a few times. Some people store all their important documents on a floppy disk, arguably one of the most unstable storage methods available bar writing the binary data in sand on a beach. So surely they have backup yes? No, no they don’t, you express sympathy on the outside, but really, you’re shaking your head muttering “you complete idiot”

Yes this list is pretty self righteous, a mechanic or farmer could write a similar list directed at people who know bugger all about their profession, and they probably would, but they can’t work out how to turn on their computer.